About you and me
by LilyBartAndTheOthers
Summary: Doubts, wonders, words, rain, feelings. So many things can happen through a simple evening.


She sat down at the table and looked at him in silence. A couple of seconds flew away and set off the whole machine of her brain; a thousand doubts and a ton of wonders. And this incomprehension that remained over the hours. Sometimes logic simply vanishes and forgets to take us away in its whirl. A shiver ran through her spine as his brown eyes crossed her hazel ones. She looked aside.

The moonlight was passing through the window, landing softly on the diner table. Grace and Jack were there, as usual. She settled further on the chair and looked back at him; asking quietly what he really wanted.

_Perhaps I shouldn't have left. You didn't give me any choice though. You didn't say a word, barely looked at me. What were you thinking about when I closed the door behind and came back home in the middle of the night? I stepped out in the street and turned around, looking up. It was raining and you hadn't switched off your lamp yet. There was this fragile light coming from your bedroom; a single sign of hope in the darkness of the sky, lost among invisible stars. I waited for the figure of your face, the lines of your back though you never appeared and so I hailed a cab then drew a line under some sparkling wish. I think there's something about you and me. I'm sorry._

She grabbed her glass of wine and played with it; her tongue twirling around the dark liquid as she took a sip. She swallowed hard though, feeling the tears coming up to her eyes slowly, painfully. She couldn't burst into cries; not there, not now. She cleared her voice loudly, taking a deep breath, avoiding him. She smiled at Jack and laughed at herself for thinking too much; regretting things.

The diner went on smoothly in spite of Karen's sweet despair for passing unnoticed. The conversation was fluid and the atmosphere so light that you would have never imagined how hard it was for her to avoid him.

_It never counted for you and will never do. It's obvious; and logical. After all I never meant anything to you and will never do either. You will keep on pretending as I will stay silent about it. Nobody will know and we will put aside this detail; a dark mistake in the middle of the night, of our lives. I guess I prefer you to avoid the subject if you ever come to look at me again; lock your eyes with mine. I'm not disappointed or sad but confused. Why did we come to this point of no-return, so suddenly? Somehow I would be reassured if you told me it was just a mere fantasy of yours. I hope you didn't take pity of me for whatever reason. That's extremely humiliating, Will. And I don't need it._

She ate in silence, almost lifeless. It looked like the sounds had been stifled all around her body and she could only listen to her heart that was beating loudly through a regular pace; the seconds passing by, putting some distance between the secret of the night and the loneliness of her fears. Grace laughed, teasing him. She stared at her friend without saying a word. _I kissed his lips, Grace; his whole skin._

They took off the plates and kept on talking. The taste of casualty was invading the walls, the air; the slightest corner of the flat. It wasn't oppressive but fake and disgusting. Sincerity was dying at the same time as her smiles.

_It doesn't really bother me. It's not the first time, you know. I play, I lose, you win and we respect the rules of the game because it's how life is; how it has to be. I'm not mad at you, I can't. If there's someone to blame then it's me. I could have broken apart and rushed out though I stayed, clutched to your arms. I kissed you and embraced your body with necessity and strength. I didn't push you away and enjoyed every single second you were giving to me. I won't complain about your lack of reaction. It was just a one-night stand; a desperate need to be reassured and prove to myself that I was still alive, vaguely desirable and not too odd to your eyes. I checked and left._

She stood up and brushed his hand, by accident. She looked down and blushed, restraining a moan in a murmur of apologies. She was missing the heat of his arms and the sweetness of a kiss on her neck; the depth of his gaze and his breath against her lips. Her fingers had slid along his spine, feeling his bones against her own body; and the intensity of their thrusts, the prohibition of their acts. She had never thought that they would cross the lines and make love; never thought that she would miss his smiles and this sensation of well-being whenever he looked at her. She felt like she hadn't disappeared, hadn't lost the meaning of her existence and perhaps she still could find something; a dream.

The word sounded loud and sharp in the smooth evening. She simply looked at him with the fury of her heart; frowning under some pain, the bitter taste of injustice. She nodded then took her purse and closed the door behind her.

_I step out your building in the middle of the night. It's still raining. I turn around but there's no light; no hope, nothing. I wait a couple of seconds, just in case your figure appears but the darkness of your bedroom didn't send back to me the slightest image of your body. There's no cab, Riverside Drive is quiet and I'm alone, one more time. I start walking down to the closest street. How many movies have you seen, Will, when the protagonists make peace under a rain pour then kiss? I think it's romantic. I like it. I'm sorry if I surprise you but I do have feelings: I'm angry, bitter, hopeful, shy, exhausted, anxious, sad, lonely, hurt, sweet, ridiculous, awkward, hypocrite, resigned but unique; and in love, with you._

The yellow car stopped and she climbed in it, vaguely looking behind at the deserted street. She left without him.

_But talking about you and me, Will… Perhaps we shouldn't have kissed and you wouldn't be avoiding me. _


End file.
